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Aviation Humor

LITTLE  AVIATION GEMS

For those of you who are looking for useful filler for newsletters, airport bulletin boards, etc. here are a couple of items taken from the FAA's "FAAviation News" magazine, Sept/Oct 1988 which you might find useful. I formerly edited and published the "Gremlin Gazette" newsletter for EAA Chapter 677 in Columbus, GA, and am always looking for interesting material.

"Remembering the Forgotten Mechanic"

   Through the history of world aviation
   many names have come to the fore.
Great deeds of the past in our memory will
   last, as they're joined by more and more.

When man first started his labor in his
   quest to conquer the sky.
He was designer, mechanic, and pilot, and
   he built a machine that would fly.
But somehow the order got twisted, and then
   in the public's eye
The only man that could be seen was the
   man who knew how to fly.

The pilot was everyone's hero; he was brave,
   he was bold, he was grand
As he stood by battered old biplane with
   his goggles and helmet in hand.
To be sure these pilots all earned it. To fly
   you have to have guts.
And they blazed their names in the hall of fame
   on wings with baling wire struts

But for each of these flying heroes, there
   were thousands of little renown,
And these were the men who worked on the
   planes but kept their feet on the ground.
We all know the name of Lindbergh, and
   we've read of his flight of fame.
But think, if you can, of his maintenance
   man; can you remember his name?

And think of our wartime heroes, Gabreski,
   Jabara, and Scott.
Can you tell me the names of their crew
   chiefs? A thousand to one you cannot.
Now pilots are highly trained people, and
   wings are not easily won.
But without the work of the maintenance
   man our pilots would march with a gun.
So when you see mighty aircraft as they
   mark their way through the air,
The grease-stained man with the wrench
   in his hand is the man who put them there.
                        -Anonymous

The above reprinted from "FAAviation News" who reprinted it from Alaskan Region "Intercom" and "General Aviation Airworthiness Alerts." I've also found this in "Aviation Equipment Maintenance", who found it in the "Minnesota Flyer".

***   ***   ***   ***

"O'brien's Aviation Maintenance Laws"

by Bill O'brien, a well known FAA maintenance inspector, and magazine columnist.

1.  Know thy aircraft!
2.  Respect thy limitations, or pay for them!
3.  When faced with an insurmountable task, read the instructions.
4.  The most delicate component is the one you will drop.
5.  Interchangeable parts won't!
6.  The availability of a part will be inversely proportional to the need.
7.  Metal remembers.
8.  A dropped tool will do the most harm or land in the most inaccessible spot.
(Also known as "The law of Selective Gravitation".)
9.  A failure will not appear until the job/part has passed final inspection.
10. A failsafe circut will destroy others!
11. There is no such thing as a dead magneto, igniter box, electrical circuit,
or hydraulic system.
12. If you have time do it over again, you had time to do it right the first
time.
13. If you mess around with it long enough, it will break.
14. Probability of failure of a part or component is inversely proportional to
the ease of replacement.
15. A reputation as a good mechanic is hard won but easily lost.
16. Any wire, tube, or sheet metal, cut to length, will be too short.
17. An expensive avionics system protected by a fast-acting fuse or circuit
breaker will protect the fuse by blowing first!
18. Update your maintenance skills, so you can pay tomorrow's bills.

Created by William "Bill" O'Brien, an Aviation Safety Specialist in the General
Aviation and Commercial Branch of the Aircraft Maintenance Division in FAA
Headquarters. Published in FAAviation News.

***   ***   ***   ***

General Aviation Terminology

Reprinted from a brochure distributed some twenty years ago by  the Rev. William A.
Powell of Decatur, GA, called the SBC Flyer.

Every phase of technology has its own private lexicon-its own unique
combination of words which mean something to specialists who understand them
but are as intelligible as Estonion or Erdu to the outsiders. General Aviation
has its own private language like all other segments of the technological
world. But instead of confounding the listener with polysylabic puzzlers that
only insiders can understand, the pilots use the same words that everyone else
uses except they mean something different. Consider the following:

AIRFRAME--The FAA inspector knows that you have only a student license but
sends his kids to bum a ride with you in the plane.
AIR TRAFFIC--A concentration of numerous aircraft over a given point, each
demanding the same route and altitude and each having a special priority.
AIR TRAFFIC CLEARANCE--A verbal method of snarling up the above mentioned
traffic.
AIR TRAFFIC COMMUNICATIONS CENTER--A drafty, ill-kept, barnlike structure in
which people congregate for dubious reasons.
AIRSPEED--True airspeed plus 20% when talking with other pilots.
ALTERNATE AIRPORT--The airport which no aircraft has sufficient fuel to proceed
to if necessary.
BAIL OUT--Dipping the water out of the cabin after a heavy rainstorm.
BANK--The institution that has a mortgage on the airplane.
BARREL ROLL--Unloading the beer for a hangar party.
BASIC VFR MINIMUMS--Those conditions under which a chicken can fly over a low
fench and still maintain some visibility.
CARBURETOR ICE--Phrase used when reporting a forced landing caused by running
out of fuel.
CLEAR--A warning shouted five seconds after hitting the starter.
CONTACT--A friend who can get you aircraft parts at wholesale.
CONTROL TOWER--An ornate glass cage exceptionally good for sunbathing.
DOPE--A pilot making a downwind takeoff.
DOWNWIND--takeoff by a non-conformist pilot.
ELEVATION--Condition brought on by severe updrafts.
FIN--price of three aircraft bolts.
FINAL APPROACH--Asking the waitress at the airport cafe for the fourth time to
fly with you to Las Vegas.
FLIGHT PLAN--Scheme to get away from home to go flying.
FLIGHT PLAN (IFR TYPE)--A piece of paper that arrives in the Center as you
arrive at your final radio fix.
FLYER--An advertisement from an aircraft parts house offering a special on
Curtis Robin tail skids-while they last.
GEAR--Things that keep the propeller turning while on the ground.
GO-GETTER PILOT--A pilot whose wife makes the living and he has to go get her.
GROUND SPEED--elapsed time driving from home to the airport.
GROSS WEIGHT--Maximum permissible takeoff weight, plus two suitcases, 10 cans
of oil, four sleeping bags, four guns and the groceries.
HANGAR--Home for anything that flies, mostly birds.
IFR--Affliction of pilots who get vertigo when they watch their instruments to
see where they are going.
iNSTRUMENT FLIGHT CONDITIONS--Conditions under which colliding birds don't know
for sure what they hit-even when whistling & throwing rocks to let other birds
know of their whereabouts.
JUNKERS--Elderly airplanes that even the FAA can't make airworthy.
KILOMETERS--A scale printed on charts to further confuse pilots who already
have trouble with knots.
LAZY EIGHT--The airport operator, his four mechanics, and the three lineboys.
MOTOR--A word used by Englishmen and student pilots when referring to an
aircraft engine.
NAUTICAL MILE--Another way of measuring a long country mile.
NOSE WHEEL--Preferred by pilots who used to have tail wheels.
ORPHAN--A child whose father is a pilot waiting for VFR weather.
OVERHAUL--The uniform worn by duster and sprayer pilots.
PITCH--The story you give your wife about needing an airplane to use in your
business.
QUARRY--Unusually poor selection for an emergency landing.
ROLL--Money required to take waitress at airport cafe to Vegas.
RUNWAY--Ramp extending from stage into audience area at all good burlesque
houses in Vegas.
STALL--Explaining to the bank why you can't make the payment.
STEEP BANK--A bank that charges a real high rate of interest.
STUDENT PILOT--A new pilot thinking of pawning the furniture in the house in
order to buy part interest in an airplane.
PRIVATE PILOT--Already has pawned it.
SUPERCHARGER--A pilot with a large stack of credit cards.
TAKEOFF--(See "runway" above).
THROTTLE--What you'd like to do to the guy that bumps your wingtip.
TRAFFIC SEPARATION--That condition which exists when two or more aircraft fail
to collide in midair.
TRIM TAB--A device that can fly an airplane better than the pilot.
USEFUL LOAD--The number of Cokes you can drink without having to land for an
unscheduled rest stop short of destination airport.
VFR--Instrument weather conditions as observed by a pilot with no Instrument
Rating.
WIDOW--A lady with a former husband who was a VFR pilot and a strong case of
"get-home-itis".
WING SPAN--A pilot with arms long enough to reach the maps in the case on the
rear shelf.
X-C--A log book entry used by a pilot flying locally and gets lost and has to
land at another airport for fuel.
YAW--a term used by Cessna salesmen to describe a Bonanza.
ZEBRA--The phonetic "Z" used by pilots to irritate tower operators who prefer
"Zulu".

***   ***   ***   ***

A STORY

Big Iron Airplane and Engine Company announced the first flight of the new
Razzle 2000 airliner.  Chief test pilot Frank Lee Candid emerged from the
cockpit dripping with sweat.  He tried to muster a smile for the cameras
and blurted out "Damn, I'm happy to be alive!".

Regaining his composure, he said the aircraft flew well and the test was
"nearly according to plan".  The only deviations from the expected flight
test results were a few cases of high-speed flutter and one brief but
violent control hard-over, responsible for the highly theatrical snap roll
seen on short final.  Henri Flaque, company press agent, noted that the snap
roll showed the inherent strength of the Razzle 2000 airframe, holding together
despite the 30% corkscrew twist of the empennage.

Aircraft systems performed "nearly flawlessly", Candid said.  The sole
problem was in landing gear actuator which began an uncommanded gear re-
traction during what was supposed to be a simple high-speed taxi run.
When the gear left the runway of its own accord, Candid said he was glad
for the opportunity to check out the 2000's handling.  The approach was
delayed briefly while the landing gear extended and retracted itself a
number of times until the hydraulic power unit burned out, fortunately with
the gear in a generally "down" position.

The new Thruster KY-20 turbofan was praised for retaining most of its parts
during the test flight.  "That's one rugged engine", Flaque said.  Candid
noted that the fuel consumption was "frightening", adding that checks were
being made to assure that the fuel did flow through the engine and not out
of a large hole in the tank.  Smoke emissions were said to be well below
Pittsburgh Valley standards.

Several questions to Candid had to be repeated at a louder volume, a problem
Candid laughingly dismissed to a minor, temporary deafness caused by some
"harmonic resonances and vibrations" experienced in the cockpit.  A slight
window seal leak which sucked the cigarettes out of his shirt pocket was
the only other cockpit environment problem.

Candid, apparently still thinking about his experiences, was chuckling
slowly and quietly under his breath when asked whether he had considered
using the ejection seat, specially installed for the test program.  He
seemed at that moment to remember the ejection handle still in his rigidly
clenched left hand, a few multicolored wires dangling from the end.  Smiling
sickly, he held it up for all to see, his hand trembling from the muscle
tension.  "Guess I'm lucky this baby didn't fire", he admitted.  "We made
the parachute, too".

***   ***   ***   ***

Here is some more useful "Words of Wisdom...   ...and other "important' flying truths and facts"
Compiled by Jack E. Neubacher in his FLY4FUN  column in "The Southern Aviator", March 1977.

FIRST OF ALL, PLATITUDES ABOUT WEATHER
"A thunderstorm isn't as bad on the inside as it looks from the outside. It's worse."
"It's better to be on the ground wishing you were flying rather than flying and wishing you were on the ground."
"A thunderstorm is nature's way of saying, 'Up yours!'"

LETS DISCUSS LANDINGS
"Take-offs are optional -- landings are mandatory."
"It only takes three things to make a perfect landing. Unfortunately, nobody knows what those three things are."
"Young man, was that a landing or were we shot down?"
"You know you landed wheels up when it takes full power to taxi."
"The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival."
"A pilots second biggest thrill is flying. His greatest thrill is landing."
"Everyone knows the definition of a good landing is one that you can walk away from. Futhermore, the definition of a great landing is when you can use the airplane another time."
"It's a good landing if you can still get the doors open."
"Always keep the number of landings equal to the number of takeoffs."
John's definition of a complex airplane: "Landing a taildragger on pavement with a 20 knot quartering crosswind."

GENERAL FLYING TECHNIQUE
"The only time you can have too much fuel is if you're on fire."
"Fly it until the last piece stops moving."
"Young man, it's simple. Push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. Pull the stick back, the houses get smaller."
"Remember you fly the airplane with your head, not your hands."
"Never let your airplane take you somewhere where your brain hasn't already visited."
"Son, if you are trying to impress me with your flying, relax. Most of the time I can't even impress myself."
"Biennial Flight Reviews ought to be like a ladies skirt. Short enough to be interesting, yet long enough to cover everything."
"Keep looking around. There is always something you missed."
"All attempts to stretch fuel is a way to guarantee increased headwinds."
"It's best to keep the pointed end going forward."

ON AVIATION AND THE OPPOSITE SEX
"Why did God invent women when airplanes are so much fun?"
"A male pilot is a confused sole who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he is with a woman."
"Renting airplanes is like renting a girl friend. Both are difficult to arrange on Saturday afternoon, the fun ones always cost more, and someone's always looking at their watch."

ON AVIATION COSTS AND INVESTMENTS
"It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune."
"Forget about thrust, drag, lift and gravity. Money is what makes an airplane fly."

ON AIRLINE FLYING
"Passengers prefer old captains and young flight attendants."
"The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as a copilot is a copilot who once was a captain."
"Trust your captain, but keep your seat belt securely fastened."
"The friendliest flight attendants are those on the home trip."

***   ***   ***   ***

                  STUDENT PILOTS GLOSSARY
                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A & P RATING -- Enables you to fly grocery supplies.
AIRFOILS -- Swords used for dueling in flight.
AIRSTRIP -- In-flight performance by exotic flight attendant.
AUTOMATIC DIRECTION FINDER -- Flight instructor.
AUTOPILOT -- Person who flunks his checkride.
BANK -- Owns most of your airplane.
CAGED GYRO -- Not much more docile than wild gyro.
CAGING THE GYRO -- Not too difficult with domestic species.
CARBURETOR ICING -- Usually vanilla.
CESSNA 310 -- More than the sum of two Cessna 150s.
CHOCKS -- Piece of wood lineperson slips in front of wheel while pilot is not looking.
CLEAR THE PROP -- Procedure necessary when taking the propeller from U.S. to Mexico.
COCKPIT -- Area where chicken pilots are kept.
DE-ICER -- De person dat puts de ice on de wing.
DIVE -- Pilot's lounge.
DOWNWIND LEG -- When woman is standing sideways to wind, skirt will be lower on this leg.
DRAG -- Something all planes go in.
EIGHT-POINT ROLL -- A prickly pastry.
ELEVATOR -- Device that raises runway, thus preventing pilots from "dropping it in".
FAR -- Opposite of NEAR.
FINAL APPROACH -- Last pass pilot makes at opposite sex before giving up.
FIXED BASE OPERATOR -- Aircraft dealer after vasectomy.
FLAPS -- Birds do it, but not recommended for fixed-wing aircraft.
FLIGHT SERVICE STATION -- Place where you gas up.
FLYING BY THE SEAT OF YOUR PANTS -- Easier than flying by night.
GROSS WEIGHT -- 350-pound pilot.
HEATED AIR MASS -- Usually found near hangar and flight lounge.
HIGH-TIME PILOTS -- See "taildragger", below.
HOOD TIME -- Time used by gangs of juvenile delinquents.
HOT PILOT -- Sometimes associated with warm fronts.
KNOTS -- What stalls do to stomachs.
LAZY EIGHT -- Well-known fly-in resort ranch.
LOOP -- Prominent landmark associated with interstates.
MAYDAY -- May not be a sunny day.
NOSEWHEEL -- Device sometimes bent by pilot.
180-DEGREE TURN -- Due to the pilot's ego, sometimes a most difficult maneuver to perform.
PILOT CENTER -- Usually found right in middle of pilot unless loaded incorrectly.
PILOTAGE -- Over 16.
PILOT'S NOSE -- Usually bent just after nosewheel.
PIPER CHEROKEE -- Flying Indian musician.
PLOTTER -- Fixed base operator who connives to keep prices up.
PROPELLER -- Fan that keeps pilot cool -- turn it off and watch pilot sweat.
PROP WASH -- Pilot's equivalent of "hogwash".
RIGHT-OF-WAY -- Better than the military way.
ROGER -- Most popular name in radio.
RPM -- Initials of large corporation that builds tachometers.
RUNWAY -- Place where exotic flight attendant starts airstrip.
SHORT FIELD TAKEOFF -- Any takeoff from a field less than 5,000 feet long.
SKYJACK -- Device for changing tires in flight.
SLIP -- Apparel worn by some pilots.
SLOW FLIGHT -- Flight that lasts beyond bladder limits.
SPIN -- Once around the pattern.
STALL -- Place where airplane is kept.
S-TURN -- Course flown by student pilot from point A to point B.
SUPERCHARGER -- Pilot with wallet full of credit cards.
SWEAT -- Liquid that flows in direct proportion to the intensity of crosswind, size of thunderstorm, and/or amount of carburetor ice.
TAILDRAGGER -- Pilot who lost bout with bottle last night.
THERMAL -- Student pilot's description of a container for hot coffee.
VOR -- Unique radio station which makes a needle dance around the face of an instrument.
WAC CHART -- Map showing female army bases.
WIND SOCK -- What a gusty crosswind does to student pilot's plane.
Z-MARKERS -- Indicators found at ze station location.
ZULU TIME -- Used by African pilots.

***   ***   ***   ***

I found this little tidbit in the Avsig Forum on Compuserve.

I recently received the following letter and attachment which is worth sharing with you. It is from Dr. Robert O. Besco (retired American Airline captain and now owner of Professional Performance Improvement, Inc. in Lakewood, CA.)

Dear John (Galipault):

In 1966, when I first arrived on the scene at American Airlines, there was a respected organization known as the Grey Eagles which was comprised of senior and retired pilots over 50. Some of us junior birdmen felt that there should be a political counter force to the Grey Eagles, so we formed a sacrilegious organization which we called the Green Eagles. Its main purpose was to honor all pilots behind us in seniority. The Green Eagles also served to develop some of the concepts which have become commonly known as Cockpit Resource Management Training and Assertiveness Training for co-pilots. The code of ethics of the Green Eagles grew sporadically over time, and I feel that it is worth sharing with the entire industry. Please feel free to post, publish or pulverize these documents at your whim and fancy. Since I am now a member of the Grey Eagles, I am no longer a voting member of the Green Eagles.

I hope that this distribution of the Green Eagle Code of Ethics will help to ensure that perpetuation of the both The Green Eagles organization and their noble goals.

Sincerely yours,
R.O.B.

(Note: now read the following enclosures.)

                The Green Eagles Code of Ethics

Don't sleep while the Captain is.

Encourage your Captain to smoke.

Don't interfere if your Captain absolutely insists on making a fool of him-self.

It's hell to fly with a nervous Captain, especially if you're the one making
him nervous.

Survival Rules: Don't fly with a Captain named "Lucky".
        Don't fly at night.
        Don't fly in the weather.
        Don't mess with the red switches.
        Never eat a crew meal in the dark.

Copilot's Catch 22: You are damned if you ignore the Captain's mistakes and
you are damned if you do something about them.

Don't make better landings than the Captain until the last trip of the month.

When you upgrade to Captain, you must be able to:
        1. Adapt to being right all of the time.
        2. Compensate for inept and disrespectful copilots.

Keep the Captain out of the morgue, the jail, the FAA hearings and the Chief
Pilot's office.

Speak very softly when you speak to your Captain.

It's better to be down here, arguing about how you are going to do it up
there; than to be up there arguing.

The basic rules of a Captain's authority:
        Rule 1. The Captain is always right.
        Rule 2. When the Captain is wrong, see Rule 1.

Buy your Captain scuba gear, skateboards, power tools and hot dog ski
lessons.

As a copilot, your job is to correct mistakes: First your own. Then the
Captain's. Finally, everybody else's.

Never awaken the Captain when he is smiling in his sleep.

Talk up the advantages of early retirement.

Always let your Captain be the first out the door of the airplane. After all,
there may not be any stairs.

***   ***   ***   ***

The following is from "To Fly The Concorde" by Ken Larsen.  Mr. Larsen quotes an unknown student in Concorde training.  Since this is a already a quote, and credit was not given, it seems OK to reproduce it here.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
RUNAWAY ELECTRIC SEAT PROCEDURE

1.  Initial Action:  Determine which seat is running away.  During the stress of routine operations, it is possible to mistake which seat is running away.  Example:  if the captain's seat is out of control forward, it shall appear to the captain that the first officer's is running backwards.  This is a common form of disorientation and will only last until the captain is emasculated on the control column.  Do not disengage the autopilot at this time as a violent pitch down will result.  In order to determine which seat is the runaway, suggested procedure is to awaken the flight engineer for trouble shooting.

2.  Silence Aural Warnings: With the advent of a runaway seat, crew members describe noises of a low rumbling nature, followed by the words "Jesus, my seat is out of control," followed by a piercing scream of increasing intensity and pitch, especially in the case of forward runaways. As with all emergencies and in order to comply with regulations, the first officer will silence the aural warnings by clamping a hand over the captain's mouth and advise, "captains mouth -- shut." From this point on, refer to the checklist located on the underside of the captain's seat cushion.

3.  Jammed Balls: Should the seat runaway in the forward mode, the ball bearings will interlock and jab the seat when it is four inches from the control panel. The seat will then be stuck in the forward position and will travel no further forward, but begin travelling up in a vertical mode. The captain will advise crew, "I have jammed ball," the flight engineer will immediately refer to the Captain's Jammed Balls Checklist located in the aft lavatory. It is imperative that the crew check for control column damage at this time. If the control column is broken, the crew will immediately advise dispatch that the captain has a broken stick and jammed balls.

4.  Circuit Breaker -- Pull: The flight engineer will at this time pull the appropriate circuit breaker to prevent the seat from running up further in the vertical mode which could cause the bearings to overheat and and possibly result in a ball burst. This would necessitate the use of the Broken Ball Checklist. Since the engineer can rarely find the correct CB, it is suggested that any CB be picked at random and pulled, so as not to delay completion of the checklist. Example: Pull #1 CB; captains position will prevent him from cross-checking this step.

5.  Fire, Check: When the seat bearings jam and stop forward seat travel, the electric motor may short out and start a fire under the captain, resulting in a captain's lower aft body overheat. The flight engineer will immediately advise the captain of the fire, to which the captain will reply, "Fire, my butt."

6.  Seat up -- Up: Should the seat continue to run away in the vertical mode, the first officer will advise "seat up," to which the captain will reply "molxjrmne craxmby."  Captains reply will vary with height to which his seat has risen. It is suggested procedure to place a pillow on the captain's head and land at the nearest suitable airport.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
(To Fly the Concorde, by Ken Larsen, Tab Books, Inc., Blue Ridge Summit, PA, 1982, ISBN 0-8306-2342-6)

***   ***   ***   ***

True Airline Stories de N6RW

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."

PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high...
San Jose Tower:  "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able.  If not able, take the Guadalupe
exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."

***   ***   ***   ***

The German air traffic controllers at Frankfurt airport were a short tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but, how to get there without assistance from them.

So, it was with some amusement that we (PanAM 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a  British Airways 747 ( Radio call Speedbird 206) after landing. Speedbird 206: "Good Morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active." Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops. Ground: "Speedbird, do you know where you are going." Speedbird206:  " Standby, Ground, I'm Looking up the gate location now."

Ground: ( With typical German Impatience)  "Speedbird 206, have you ever flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206: ( Very Coolly ) "Yes, in 1944. But, I didn't stop".

***   ***   ***   ***

AIRPLANES vs. WOMEN

An airplane will kill you quickly..... a woman takes her time.
Airplanes like to do it inverted.
Airplanes can be turned on by the flick of a switch.
An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go'.
An airplane does not object to a pre-flight inspection.
Airplanes come with manuals.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
You can fly an airplane any time of the month.
Airplanes don't have parents.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.
When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy
 airplane magazines.
If your airplane is too loose, you can tighen it.
Its always OK to use tie downs on your airplane.

***   ***   ***   ***

Aircraft Money Pump problems

(Picked this up on the Cessna 150 discussion group.)

The money pump failed on my airplane last Thursday. It seems it had not
been properly pumping money out of my wallet and into my mechanic's bank
account for some time.

A long process to troubleshoot the problem, remove the part, and inspect
it. While they had it out, they also found that the cash filter was
clogged, which as we all know, would slow down the flow of cash. That
problem has been cured, and the airplane successfully pumped an easy
$1,000 out of me yesterday.

I expect the new money pump will work rather well for some time. I have
the part number if anyone needs it.

Ain't flyin' life grand?

Not to be outdone, the respondent answers:

I believe that there are two ADs on the money pump, but I forget the
numbers.

The first AD says that the money pump's wire transfer unit needs to be
checked. They can be disabled from lack of use, and will fail when you
need it to run large volumes through the pump. You will have to send it
out to be checked for account number verification, and if they don't
match your current accounts, then the wire transfer unit will need to be
realigned.

Normally the money pump is manually activated at the ignition key, but
the second AD now requires that the money pump have the manual switch
bypassed, and must run continuously.

Don't forget, depending on your model of money pump, you may have the
"old" style pump, which can be inadvertently installed in either
direction. The new ones can only be installed to deliver a negative cash
flow. Make sure yours is reinstalled properly upstream of the money
pit, or the pocketbook aft of the firewall may overfill with dangerous
lucre.

Yep, flyin' life is grand. Usually "two" grand. :-)

Computer humor

Ten Things That Would Be Different if Microsoft Started Building Cars

1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or a CarNT. But then you'd have to buy more seats

5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast - but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.

6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced witha single "General Car Fault" warning light.

7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.

8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.

9. The U S Government would be "getting" subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.

10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

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A Navy commander was teaching a class in computer technology to a group of young sailors. One of the class commented that ships were generally referred to as female, but she had no idea what gender the Navy assigned to computers. Not having a ready answer, the commander asked all the women in the class to meet on one side of the room and all the men on the other, and for each group to pick the gender they thought fit computers and give four reasons for their choice.

The women decided computers should be addressed as male because:

1. In order to get the computer's attention, you have to turn it on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They're supposed to help you solve problems... but most of the time, they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.

The men decided computers were female because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The language they use to communicate with one another is incomprehensible.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one you find yourself spending most of your paycheck on accessories for it.

Miscellaneous Humor

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If anyone has any similar material which they would like to donate to me, I can be reached by email at:

pobox136@hotmail.com

Thank You, I hope you have enjoyed this.

Charles Hanna